I am a spinning instructor; I’ve been an instructor for over eight years. For those who don’t know what that is—it is not spinning yarn or manning the turntable at the local dance club. It is butt-kicking workout on an indoor bike fashioned to fit you like a road bike with a weighted front wheel that approximates the feeling of riding on the road, often to music. It kicks your butt if you let it and is the best thing I’ve found for building my endurance. I formerly taught three times a week at a local club. My classes were full during most sessions.
The weird thing, during my second year of teaching, is that I had a regular attendee who was a heckler. She was the full embodiment of the word—weirdly so.
After class, she’d make a point to stop by and tell me, “You have no rhythm and I can’t follow what you’re doing.”
Or, “I hate your music.”
After having full classes for over a year and never hearing otherwise, every one of her remarks would crush me. I never knew quite what to say or think.
I never stopped to ask myself why she continued to attend, EVERY one my classes. I never stopped to ask why my class was full when, obviously for her, it sucked.
But then one day, a guy who always attended my classes, who had also overheard all the criticism, stopped by after class to chat with me. He told me how much he liked my classes, music, and ability to motivate him to reach levels he’d never thought possible without my coaching.
Then, he started talking about the fact that he was a high-school teacher and that at least 10% of his class hated him—no matter what he did, or changed, or taught.
Always 10%.
I thanked him for stopping by and for telling me about his teaching experience. Then he realized he needed to be more blunt and said, “I’ve heard that woman heckling you during class and talking to you after class, and I want to tell you that you need to ignore her. She’s that 10%.”
That hit me like a rock. I had been listening all along to this one woman, even while, after most classes, someone stopped by to tell me how I had changed their life for the better, had motivated them to continue to work out, loose weight or get in better shape, and how my teaching had changed the way they ride or improved their riding technique. I spent so much time focusing on that one person, and not on all the people who enjoyed my workouts, that I was ignoring all my positive feedback.
Is there a point here?
Here it comes…
I have read some posts on the web recently that I thought were great. Only to be irritated by a comment left by a heckler. I’m talking about a full-on heckler. Why do people do this? I guess, as my one student told me, there will always be at least about 10% of the people, or more, that disagree with or hate what you’re doing or saying.
Of course, we’re all different in this world, thank heavens, but c’mon!
My observation is that if someone is going heckle a blog post, why are they reading it in the first place? What is the point? If she or he knows so much about the subject matter, why doesn’t she start a blog of her own, or just comment on some other blog?
This tugs at my roots:
If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Granted, I’ve been lucky thus far. While people have heckled me in my other walks of life, no one has heckled any of my blog posts. (Thank you?)
I realize and admit that I avoid confrontation. I get that. Usually, if I don’t agree with a person (or blog post) I just stay out of it and let others enjoy the experience.
I personally emailed the heckle-ee and gave the person my support. And this is my summary point:
This person (I’ll call her Jane) said something that impressed me.
“I’m usually a fighter, but I’m living in the pause this time.”
It stuck. Jane didn’t get outwardly upset; she maintained her cool. She even admitted to me she initially wrote a backlash comment then decided to delete it and chill out. She remained in the pause. Later that evening, she wrote a polite, thoughtful response that was full of composure, intelligence, and kindness. Which, of course, made the heckler look like a butt head.
I learned a lot from this brief interaction. I usually take criticism to heart, even though I know deep down it can’t be true, or at least, my truth.
So, my suggestion for the day is to remain in the pause. Instead of an eye for an eye—kill them with kindness.
What goes through your mind when you’re heckled? How do you deal with it?
Create Your Day!
You never cease to amaze me. I mean, seriously. Is there anything you *can’t* do? You’re really awesome, you know that?
As for the hecklers, yeah, they’ll always be out there. And the more succesful you get, the more vocal they will become. You just have to realize that they are coming from a place of fear, insecurity, and pain, and let their comments slide right off of you. They can only hurt you if you give them power over you. Acknowledge them, but don’t empower them, and they’ll leave you alone eventually.
Keep the faith, you awesome woman you!
Jay Schryer´s last blog ..Finally, An Answer
Lori,
You bring up a couple of great points. First off – we’ll never please everybody, and so it’s not worth trying to. Still the words of those who disagree with us, especially in a heckling sort of way – are hurtful. And second – finding that pause, the time between stimulus and response (as Stephen Covey would say) – is the key. And it’s a reminder that we always have a choice on how to respond. Responding with kindness and love…what a great way to quiet our critics. Or at least, make them feel a little guilty for being so hurtful.
Lori, this is so good to keep in the forefront of our minds – so we’re ready when that moment comes (because it will). I recall a time on my blog about 6 months or more ago – where I received a negative comment on an otherwise uplfiting article. And that did keep my focus, even amongst all the positives. It was the negative that got my attention. Finally I just told myself that it didn’t matter…and when I allowed that to come over me – all of a sudden, it didn’t matter anymore.
Keep pedaling!
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
Jay,
Oh yeah, there’s plenty I can’t do, Jay! For one, you do NOT want to see me dance!
You’re too funny…
You are also very wise. I hear what you’re saying about them coming from fear, insecurity, and pain. You are right! For me, I think the key is acknowledgement without empowerment without letting the comment get under my skin. Well said!
Thanks for stopping by, superstar. I’m just a mirror – you’re the one that is awesome and you’re only seeing you in me.
Lance,
So great to see you here, Lance. Thank you for leaving your thoughts with me today. You have such a wonderful outlook on life.
You know, it was your blog where I first took notice of that pause and let it sink in. I just remembered that this morning! (Readers, go to Lance’s blog, August 2, 2009, there’s an awesome video there on a post called “Learn to Fly.” Enjoy!)
Also, thanks for sharing how you handled your negative comment. It is really about our thoughts, and your ability to shift them and not let them matter is really great. That is so good, just so good.
Shine on…!
Lori – what an inspiring, wonderful post. Your friend “Jane” is one blessed poster to have someone like you guarding her back.
Isn’t it interesting how much we learn from each other as we move forward, and how so often it is the wisdom of others that conquers our own moments of doubt, that dark inclination to lash out in defense, to make things worse, when the really much sweeter revenge is the kinder, higher road that makes the heckler look like a complete ass to all?
Thanks for this. All of it. I’ve learned much from you today, Lori. And so has Jane, who I’m sure is very touched by your words.
Larry´s last blog ..How to Double the Effectiveness of your Writing/Critique Group… Overnight
Larry,
Thanks for stopping by to share your wisdom. Your work to define and educate us about story architecture blows my mind, so thanks for that (See Larry’s link on my side panel of Good Stuff: Story Fix).
I appreciate your kind words, too, Larry. As life marches on I have realized that the more I open myself up to learn from others – the sweeter life has become.
And, we’re all in this big world together, why not support each other to our fullest extent?
Cheers to you, Larry!
It’s funny how we can focus on the 10% of not so awesome and forget about the 90% of completely awesome. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Totally love the idea of being in the pause and killing them with kindness. Hecklers are often people who are feeling some sort of pain and a little kindness can make a big difference to them. Great article Chick!
Sami – Life, Laughs & Lemmings´s last blog ..Monday Funny – My God it’s big!
Sami,
Knowing you from your blog (which is full of awesomeness, I must say), I bet you have some funny stories about how you’ve dealt with that 10%; I’d like to hear some of those someday!
I hear what you’re saying about showing a little kindness. It is kind of like a see-saw — instead of jumping on their side of negativity in rebuttal, why not pop on the opposite, show them kindness, and tip them towards positivity?
Thanks for stopping by, groovy girl! Cheers!
So true… so, so true… not only that there will always be SOMEone who doesn’t like what we’re doing, but also that it will be that ONE that gets most of our emotional and psychological attention. We tend to ignore the 90% that like us and focus on the 10% that don’t.
I had an incident recently on Stumble Upon, where I got several great reviews about my Road To Freedom post. But ONE guy said something to the effect of, “You people are so stupid for falling for this scam… the request for donations says it all… this is just another ploy to get your money,” or some such.
I was crushed because that is so NOT what my blog or our decision to leave the rat race is about. I wanted to say something really mean to him for saying something mean about me. But instead, I emailed him and thanked him for his honest opinion.
I told him I had put the note about donations in there for friends and supporters who were asking how they could help, but that I’d taken it out since I saw his review because it alerted me to how it could be mis-perceived as a money-making scheme. Then I apologized for giving him that impression.
In other words, I opted for kindness. I try to always take that route when I can. It may not make the situation any better, but at least I can feel good about myself because I didn’t sink to the heckler’s level.
Awesome post, Lo!
Lisis´s last blog ..Inspiration from Ralph Waldo Emerson: A New Day
Hi Li!
Wonderful to see you back in the blog-o-sphere! Your presence adds much light and insight to the world.
Thanks for telling me about your recent experience. I would’ve been crushed, too! Ugh, that makes my heart just break to hear someone as caring and nurturing as you being heckled.
But, as you so delightfully demonstrate, kindness is the best option. The way you reacted, Lisis, is just beautiful. It brought a smile to my face. Thanks for confirming my beliefs with a real-life story. That was special.
Be well, my friend, and keep writing the good write!
Spinning classes for 8 years…Jane B Strong!
I tried spinning twice because it kicked my butt.
I’m a runner however I run 10 min. miles so there’s no pain.
I think taking things personally is human nature.
Knowing it’s not about you is wisdom.
Nice post Jane B Wise!
Hi Tess!
I’ve seen you often around the block, and I’m so happy to see you here. You are an amazing force in this world! Welcome to my coffee table.
I know what you mean about the difference between running and cycling. Those muscle groups are completely different! But that’s the beauty of it, cycling made me a much stronger runner. You should try it again soon. Good for you!
Awww…you’re too kind. I think it’s more like, Jane B Tired! ha
I love it: “Knowing it’s not about you is wisdom.” That’s a keeper!
Have a great day, Tess. I’ll be seeing you around and thanks for stopping by!
Those moments give us an interesting opportunity, I think, to find out where we can stand to accept ourselves a little more. I had an anonymous hater who said to me I was nothing but a “copycat,” and I did find myself tensing up inside at that because I realized I was attached to being original — i.e., I wasn’t okay with myself if what I said wasn’t (seen as) original. But that gave me an opportunity to acknowledge, no, I’m not an 100% original, I have like 99.9% of the DNA of every other human being and there are some ways that I’m average, and maybe that’s even okay.
Chris,
Your comment comes from an enlightened perspective. Wow, that’s deep!
And from my molecular biologist perspective, you’re right on!
I hadn’t thought of it that way until now; we’re only <0.01% different at the core of our genetic code. What was I thinking?????
OK, I definitely have a different perspective now, Chris. That, in addition to all the insightful comments left here, makes a lot of sense! I’m glad you didn’t let that, “hater,” get to you, Chris. Because that would have been a travesty.
You are obviously a very smart, unique man.
Thanks a bunch for stopping by today!
Lori:
Thanks for sharing this post. I can understand how you felt…like you, one of my personal mantras is “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” I haven’t received too many negative comments on my blog yet (mostly because I have low readership volume), but I would be a little miffed about it if I did.
Luckily, you had the gentleman remind you about those 10%. Your post is a reminder to me, that whether it be a blog, a work environment, or whatever, not everyone is going to like or appreciate us. I am learning that I should not take it personally if this situation comes up. Thanks again for a great post!
Tim´s last blog ..Thoughts on Labor Day Weekend
Hi Tim,
Thanks for stopping by to share your thoughts.
I’m glad you thought of this post as a good reminder. It always amazes me that people out there continue to rain on others’ parades. I’m all for constructive criticism and healthy debate, but when folks go for the throat it leaves such an unsavory taste in my mouth.
But, we’re all not the same, and lately I’ve been trying to come from a place of both, “staying in the pause,” and trying to understand that there are likely things in the person’s life that are hard to deal with or making that person angry.
Like you said, not everyone will like or appreciate us, so taking things less personally can only benefit all parties. Great observation! Enjoy your day today, Tim!